


repeated image of the lover destroyed

by epilogues



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Boundaries, F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Making Out, Meteorstuck, Weird Feelings About Sex, revoked consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:38:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22781770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epilogues/pseuds/epilogues
Summary: Setting boundaries may feel like shit, but it works.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	repeated image of the lover destroyed

**Author's Note:**

> woohoo vent fic time! but with rosemary so it's cute and good!! 
> 
> uhh content warnings, since i didn't want to use ao3 warnings this time: they're underage since it's meteorstuck, but since they're both underage and nothing happens on-screen, i didn't tag it. also, there are a few vague references to some possible past sexual assault, but everything in the actual fic is consensual!
> 
> also, title is from [this poem!](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48158/litany-in-which-certain-things-are-crossed-out)

Kanaya is not usually a “numbers” person, as it were, that’s always been more in line with Vriska’s FLARPing and quirk and all that, but today, it seems, numbers are the only thing that she can think about. For example, thirty-six - the waistline of the dress she’s currently sewing, a half-request from and half-gift for Rose. Or maybe two - the number of human years it’s been since Rose and Dave arrived on the meteor. Three, perhaps, for the number of colors in this dress, twenty-something for the number of official dates Kanaya and Rose have been on, one for the number of Kanaya’s ex-matesprits on the meteor, or the number of Kanaya’s current matesprits on the meteor, or the number of times that Kanaya and said current matesprit have taken capital-t Things further than sloppy makeouts in Rose’s block, and ah, there it is. Well. Hm. 

It happened roughly a week ago, after an evening of dramatic readings of Karkat’s romance novels took a slightly different turn than expected, and it was good, really good, and Kanaya has seen Rose once (there’s another one, add it to the list) since it happened. That’s… not by Rose’s design. They’ve talked on Trollian, of course, but not in person because Kanaya has been <strike>avoiding her</strike> busy working on this dress. It’s fine, really. It’s - well, okay, Kanaya won’t pretend that this has nothing to do with what they did or with those two weird, fumbling blackrom capital-i Incidents with Vriska so long ago, but it’s fine. And if Kanaya is avoiding her matesprit because something about having sex with her unlocked something weird and heavy in her chest, it’s absolutely fine. 

What’s not fine is the hemline of this dress, god, what is Kanaya even doing. She puts her needle down on her organization plateau, frowning at the uneven stitches, and picks up her palmhusk to check the reference notes Rose sent her. 

And speak of the Light player, there’s a purple-tinted Trollian notification on the screen.

TT: Salutations.  
TT: I do hope you’re receiving these and you haven’t gotten lost in the vents “Clown Hunting” or anything.   
TT: I understand if you’re busy, of course, but we seemed to be reaching a routine of reading together on Thursdays, and according to Dave, it is Thursday now.  
TT: Again, if you’re busy, it’s no matter, but I find myself missing your company.  


Kanaya manages a Soft Smile and Sigh x2 Combo (with a bonus alliteration attribute!) as she begins to type out a reply. She wants to see Rose, really, she’s just.. well, what if Rose expects things to end up the same way they did last week? Last week was good, genuinely, it was just a lot.

GA: Hello Rose  
GA: I Am Working On Your Dress Currently But I Am Not So Busy That I Cannot Take A Break  
GA: And I Would Quite Like To See You  
GA: When Would You Like To Meet?  
TT: At risk of sounding eager, does now work?  


Kanaya glances at the twisted, scrunched hemline. It’s kind of a perfect mirror of her face right now, actually.

GA: Hm  
GA: Yes I Think So  
GA: It May Be Best For Me To Take A Break From This Before I Feel Inclined To Get My Chainsaw  
GA: I Will See You In The Commons In A Moment Then?  
TT: I was going to suggest meeting in my room, actually, as I heard Vriska and Terezi in the commons earlier and I’d really rather not run into any deadly pranks tonight.   
GA: Ah  
GA: Excellent Point  
GA: I Will See You In Your Block Then  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  ceased trolling  tentacleTherapist [TT] 

Well, that’s significantly less ideal considering the whole situation that’s barely even a situation at all, and really, Kanaya just needs to stop overthinking this. She’s going to go read with her matesprit, it’s going to be fun, and if she doesn’t want things to go further than any given point, she can just tell Rose. It’ll be fine.

Kanaya glances at her reflection in the self-gander glass, quickly touches up her lipstick, and starts heading down the would-be dark hall towards Rose’s block. Thankfully, she doesn’t see or hear any sign of anyone else as she walks.

Rose answers the door almost immediately when Kanaya knocks. “Hey,” she says. Her voice is soft and almost as low as the cut of what must be a newly alchemized shirt, wow. That’s - Kanaya swallows hard and forces herself to meet Rose’s eyes.

“Hello. Have you picked out tonight’s reading material yet?”

Rose grins as she steps back to allow Kanaya into her block, a fluid motion that Kanaya wouldn’t be surprised to find that she’d practiced. Okay, weird feelings about sex aside, god, Kanaya is so fucking flushed for her. 

“I borrowed a rainbow drinker/sea dweller vacillation book from Karkat,” Rose says. The way her voice forms the word ‘borrowed’ most likely means that Karkat has no idea that the book is missing. That’s fine; Kanaya will just slip it back onto the shelf tomorrow and no one will be any the wiser. “Does that sound good?”

“Sounds wonderful,” Kanaya says. She sits down on Rose’s bed and can’t help her smile when Rose grabs the book from her sylladex and curls up next to her, head on Kanaya’s shoulder and arm braced against Kanaya’s back. “Would you like to read first, or should I?”

“Go ahead,” Rose says. She places the book in Kanaya’s lap and snuggles closer, and yes, they’ve been together for perigees now, but Kanaya still doesn’t know how to keep her bloodpusher from picking up speed whenever they’re close like this. Rose is so beautiful, so fragile, and honestly, if they could just stay like this for the rest of the night, things would basically be perfect.

Kanaya presses a gentle kiss to the top of Rose’s head, then opens the book and begins reading. They make it through the first couple of chapters in an hour of soft tones, switching off every few paragraphs. It’s, surprisingly, not the worst writing they’ve encountered, even if the plot leaves something to be desired. 

Kanaya is in the middle of reading the third sex scene, her cheeks green and voice softer than before just in case anyone happens to walk by, when Rose starts to squirm, just a bit. Kanaya’s voice trips over the next sentence, a winding description of the rainbow drinker’s “slick, writhing” bulge, although she’s not entirely sure whether that’s due to the book, the hotness of her matesprit getting clearly turned on while sitting in her lap, or the weird, tight anxiety of the same thing. 

Before Kanaya can say or do anything, though, Rose tilts the book back towards herself. “‘But Bryllx knew that he could take it all,’” she continues. She’s trying for an unaffected tone, but Kanaya recognizes the low edge that’s starting to edge in. “‘He grabbed Lersig by the torn collar of her shirt and -’”

And Rose’s hand, somewhere between caution and confidence, reaches up and grasps Kanaya’s shirt just above her caste symbol, just above her bloodpusher. Kanaya swallows hard. “And what?” she asks.

Rose doesn’t even make a show of looking back at the book before pushing herself up and kissing Kanaya, all tacky black lipstick and blunt human teeth and her hand twisting tighter in Kanaya’s shirt, and yes, yes, okay, this is good. Kanaya kisses back, one hand moving up to wind into Rose’s hair and the other braced behind herself for balance, and yes, okay, this is nice but Rose is pushing against her like she wants Kanaya to lie down and that feels like opening a door. 

Kanaya breaks the kiss in what’s hopefully a subtle manner. Kissing is nice, yes, but kissing is basically a flashing neon arrow pointing towards everything else, and that just… it does something to Kanaya’s gut that feels a little bit like dying did. She doesn’t know why (she does, it all traces back to everything with Vriska, or at least it would if Kanaya let herself admit it); she pulls away, drops a kiss to Rose’s jaw, and buries her face in the little space between Rose’s shoulder and face.

It works until Rose tilts her head and starts kissing her again, gentle in a way that’s clearly precluding something, her weight falling into Kanaya at a practiced angle that sends them both onto their backs. Okay. Horizontal make outs, yes, that’s fine, Kanaya can handle these. And maybe if she just doesn’t move her hands or anything, Rose will notice and ask if she wants to stop because it’s Rose and she might be snarky as all get out but she’s one of the sweetest people Kanaya knows, and then Kanaya doesn’t have to ask to stop, because who does that? You don’t get to ask to stop when the fucking drones come, you don’t get to ask to stop in the middle of blackrom because the other person will just think you’re playing along, she’s gotten this far and now she’s most likely lying like a limp worm against Rose at this point, but - 

Rose’s hand appears, blink and you’ll miss it, on Kanaya’s thigh. Kanaya’s breath catches in all the wrong ways, and before she even knows she’s going to do it, she blurts, “Rose?”

“Yes?”

“Can we - I’m sorry, I, um… could we stop?”

Okay, okay, she said it. There. Kanaya feels a bit like she’s going to throw up, yes, but she said it and now she just has to pray that Rose won’t <strike>be like Vriska</strike> ignore her. And -

“Of course,” Rose is saying, and she’s sitting up and her hand is gone and her face is creased in concern, not annoyance, and there, apparently, is the slightest possible chance that this is okay. Huh. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yes, just… I’m not really up for this tonight,” Kanaya says, and sue her, it’s not the exact truth, but there’s time for that later. She’s shaking enough as it is, a strange adrenaline running under her skin. She did that. She asked to stop, and now they’ve stopped, and now Rose is going to ask her why and she genuinely has no idea what she’s going to say.

Rose drops down next to Kanaya, taking her hand so, so gently. “You can always stop if you don’t want to do something,” she says. 

“I know,” Kanaya says. It’s a strange feeling, a strange, sudden knowledge, but it’s there and she does. It’s Rose, of course she can, of course she’ll understand. “Um - thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Rose assures her. “Do you want to talk about it or…?”

The question trails out into the dark block, unfinished and, as proved by the resulting silence, unanswered. Kanaya wants to answer, wants to say something, but it seems like asking to stop took up any words she had to say. God, she set boundaries, that’s the healthy thing to do, she stopped things before she got too uncomfortable, so why does she still feel like shit?

“You don’t have to, obviously,” Rose adds, and her voice slips into something soft and warm and the kind of thing that sets off pale fireworks in Kanaya’s chest. “But I’m here.”

“Thank you,” Kanaya says, again, even though she knows she doesn’t have to. Rose doesn’t remind her, thankfully. She wants to keep the conversation going, there has to be more to say, but words recede out of her reach once more. 

Rose is quiet for a moment as well before saying, “Do you want to go to sleep?” 

Kanaya considers. She doesn’t think she’ll actually be able to get to sleep, especially since it seems like Rose is suggesting that she stay in the human bed instead of a recuperacoon, but pretending to sleep will probably be better than having this sit in the middle of whatever conversation they might have next. “Yeah, that sounds good, I think,” she says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rose says, squeezing Kanaya’s hand briefly before letting go and rolling onto her side. 

And - that’s that, then. Kanaya rolls onto her side as well and drapes an arm over Rose, holding her just close enough for comfort but not so closely that Rose can’t move away if she wants to. Okay. She did that. She can stop things if she doesn’t want them to happen. That should be amazing; why does it feel awful in her gut?

Maybe it’s because this is basically Kanaya begging Rose to ask why, if not tonight then tomorrow. There’s a conversation there, rooted in the past, that Kanaya would really prefer not to have, but she doesn’t know how she’s going to avoid it now. And now that Kanaya knows she can say no, is she ever going to be able to say yes again? It’s such an easy out from a, frankly, terrifying situation, but if she never says yes, then Rose might think that she did something wrong that first time and it’ll just be that Conversation again, the one that makes the past real and makes life on the meteor that much harder and -

“Kan, I can practically hear you thinking yourself to death over there, you know,” Rose murmurs. The sound is sudden in the silence. Kanaya freezes. “And it’s okay, really. If you don’t want to do something, I don’t really want to do it either. It’s okay.”

Kanaya exhales in slow motion. Sometimes, Rose is quite literally the perfect matesprit, and it’s a cliche, but with all of these numbers, numbers, numbers, Rose has to be the one. They’ll be okay, sex or not, and they’ll have space to work out the weird feelings, and Kanaya will be able to set boundaries without feeling nauseous. It’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading!! i'm super excited for the next fic i have planned, which is going to be a longer, post-canon dirkjohn piece! i'm hoping to have the first chapter up by the end of the month!


End file.
